The Feeling?

I'm feeling a bit restless tonight. At the same time, I feel like I should take a year hiatus and wander out seeking what the world has to offer out of my comfort zone.

Towards the end 2015, Justin Bieber released a new album. Besides the hit song "Love yourself" there were many other really good songs in the album. I listened to all of them, though one song I liked most among all, "The Feeling"

The verse that got me related the most was, " Am I in love with you or am I in love with the feeling"

It makes wonder of what love truly meant. I still couldn't define it in my own terms and kept on wondering what the verse really meant. Is it the emotion? Is it the connection? Is it the presence? Is it the security? Maybe its just one of those songs that keeps you in paradox and would never come to a sole understanding. The sort of song which has a unique meaning to the listener. Or I should ask justin bieber himself of what the song really meant. I'm sure if i google it i would find the answer, but I'll rather not to and let the feeling of curiosity wonder in my mind each time i listen to it.

Curiosity is contagious.

What a weekend it has been. I manage to achieve a goal in my short quarterlife crisis bucket list. Quarter life crisis bucket list, lol. Nowadays, it seems people tend to be less and less creative in their choices of choosing what they enjoy. Millennials like me are brainwashed with television of what feels good, what is bad, what is good to do, how to enjoy life and so on. It seems that everyone is pretty much doing the same thing to cross things in their bucket list. I'm sure that if you have a long bucket list or so, a typical person would have at least half of the items the same as everyone else. I do not wish to elaborate further. I'm pretty sure you would have encountered information like this before.

Starting tomorrow, my soul is pretty much attached to my career for a short while. I am feeling a bit restless tonight, though surprisingly, it is not career is what i am thinking about. It is what I have encountered over the past 24 hours.

I would describe myself a talkative outgoing person. During one meeting, my boss asked everyone, so who is going to entertain the client? and fingers were point at me. Though inside, I am quite of an introvert. I really cherish going out alone or in very small numbers, even though one might think I might be a loser loner. Some say being alone is a sign of strength. But I say I like staying away and avoid other people's bullshit. Though to those that I care, I really, really do care. The way I show that i care its either obvious, mostly unknown or out of the blue surprises. Though this is also not what I am restless about. It was about what I encountered, the story i wrote in my head as the way i experienced it.

How about I explain this in a poetry or artsy fartsy kind of way? lets try.....

Hello there again

I saw you

I'm sure you saw me too

You were looking as beautiful as I last saw you

You were in blue, I was too

You were sitting by your friend who was anxious for the rest of her life

I dont know whether you were too occupied or too busy

or maybe you were thinking your next phase in life

or the wrong image of me have been implied in your head

I'm not sure whether it was me or I really felt that sense of negativity

I waited outside by the table, having dinner with the people I came with

I'm not sure maybe you were shy to join us or still preoccupied with whatever was going on inside

The gig was up, you were still there

We never said hi, we never had eye contact

I was 75% sure my gut was right from the beginning

I just felt awkward being there with your presence

I really do feel, you would enjoy more if i avoided you

It was getting late at night,

still no hello, no conversation of hows life and whats going on,

Was it the image set in your mind or was it all my imagination

The next day I came,

You were still there,

Still no hello, no conversation,

I implanted an image, for you to be happy, I shall stay away..

An so I did.

Though when we were crazy for the camera, you wanted to join too

I shall be positive and I shall stay away.

I'm not in love with you

But I'm still human too

Good bye, so long and thanks for the fish.

When the air is clear, I hope I was the fool

And not you..


And then there was the other you
the busy one
I bumped into something interesting
I'm sure your close relative would like
You did not respond to it
You asked me how I was
I avoided responding
I had a test that day
I needed a clear mind
but thats all bullshit
I really meant not responding
coz i know i'll be left hanging
Like how i was before...

-End-

Yes, I know you all are wondering what the hell are all these lines about, lets just keep it a mystery like Justin Bieber's song written earlier....

Previous Blog Post Part 2

So this post is a continuation of the previous post. I continued keeping my options clear. This morning during breakfast there was an interesting video posted on facebook. It was called 2 minute meditation for bitches who dont know how to meditate (yes, that is what exactly the video is about) After watching the video, I totally fell in love with the presenter. It is sad that the video aint on youtube otherwise, I would have posted it here.

There was another video I listened to during the drive on the way to JB. It was What I learned from 100 days of rejection by Jia Jiang. It was a ted talk, a very interesting one. After listening to the fruitful video, I realized my biggest fear. Rejection. This doesnt just affect my love life, it applies to almost everything. Among my greatest fear, is rejection from secretaries of whatever paperwork regardless of work or govt offices.

After watching the meditation video, I realized something. I realized what I am attracting to this one woman I've been dying to date with. She wasnt your typical girl, she was a bad ass girl who isnt afraid to voice out her opinions and take charge when she wants. The sort of really smart bad ass girl. That was why I could relate to the first video so much.

Lets get back to the second video. So it was about the guy's experience in facing rejection. I realize I may have just quit too soon. (quit what you may ask?) okay, lets talk about the girl first. I never have actually went out with her. She's a girl who is very dedicated to her job and her family. I really adore that about her. I like bad ass dedicated girls lol. Okay, well another thing that I like about her, is her love of cars. Which I give a hundred points for that trait.

We contact each other through social networks. Among the main events of my chronology with her, she posted something interesting from a market in her IG. I liked that interesting thing, so I text her and said can she buy that for me and so she did.

Many many many months later, I had received an interesting package at my office. I received the stuff from the market, she gave it to me as a gift. It also had a written post card with it and with the official stamp of her first job. (You see how passionate she is?! +++)

I texted her that I received the stuff and I really wanted to treat her for lunch. So, we continued texting each other once a while. My attraction towards her grew stronger and stronger over time. A few months later, I had a day off, she also had the day off, so I asked her out, she said YES!

I drove to her place which was an hour away and picked her up. She took me to a famous local beriyani shop nearby. She was so into her job, I remembered she was talking on the phone with her colleague during lunch for about 10 minutes, while I slowly ate my lunch. Was slightly annoyed initially because I really wanted to talk to her, but after a while, I understand she is bad ass at her job and that is really sexy, so I grew fonder towards her. (bad ass means good here, not bad lol)

After lunch, we went to the nearest city an hour away. Had a good walk and talk with each other, and multiple selfies.  It was interesting to know her more. Among the things that got me hooked, she likes having alone time , what I understand was, she hates people as much as I do and hates crowded places. Which was a trait that I live by. I was already imagining the quiet places we could go together in the future and enjoy each others company.

We also shared our family's traits and interests. I truly believe I could get along with her quite well. There were many points where the puzzle pieces falls perfectly into place.

After sending her back, we regularly text each other for the remaining weeks. I was planning to speak my heart out, I didnt want to rush, but the solid plan was there. It was just a matter of time. I had to go overseas for two months, before I flew, she gave me a call. We had a good talk, she had a hectic day but her voice was calm as she was heading to sleep.

As I was overseas, we texted regularly, Though towards the end of two months, her text response were slow and sometimes not at all. As I got back, I was on leave for two weeks. I texted her that I really wanted to meet her as I was nearby, but her response was she was too busy to even go out for a short dinner and she felt it was unfair to me to drive an hour away just to meet her for a short meet up.

My heart was crushed. I was actually planning to clear things out to her, to let her know what I feel about her and hopefully if everything works out, we could plan out the next step. But I guess that was just it. I couldnt bear to take any further steps.

Referring to the previous post regarding on my overthinking, I still couldnt stop thinking about her. Thinking on, what did I have done wrong, what was the wrong step, where did I messed up, I still couldnt figure it out and it gave me a bad headache.

Now back to the earlier paragraphs. Rejection. and so i thought, maybe I quit a bit too soon. Since I am going to pass by her place later today, I decided to text her and asked her out. She was on her off day, though she had to turn me down, she had plans already for the day. I really dont know what sign is this, should I call it quits?

Relationships, past, present and beyond

Interesting discussion in a whatsapp group today. Someone got engaged and a friend asked, she got engaged, when are you?

I answered, well, I tried and I failed.

So the question is now, "tried"?

Yes, effin tried.

I am a bit of an overthinking person, I can think of the finest details before acting or doing anything. Up to every single damn thing. Even trying to write a damn post takes many reviews before I post it. I miss myself where I just write or do whatever the heart desires. I guess whenever I think or act things base on my heart, it ended in negativity. Oh well, I'm almost 26 now. Just imagine all the negativity that occurred. It piles up and becomes quite a traumatic experience. 

Though, tonight, I just finished watching the movie "Me, before you". So I'm feeling a bit expressive. Gosh, I just hope it doesnt get awkward after writing this haha! 

As of today, I am single. Havent had a GF for almost 4 years! (FOUR F**KING YEARS!) lol.  But as I said before, I tried and I failed. Many many many times. My heart has many stories to tell, screaming to let it all out. Lets just write one at a time (or a very long time).

Once upon of time, I was a student. I have huge crushes on smart women. Yes, I like smart women alot. There was one girl in particular, who studies down the highway from my university. I really like the way she represent herself. She's a very charming character. One day, I decided to ask her out.

So I picked her up at her university and we went dinner at a nearby shopping mall. I've been to the restaurant before and my favourite meal was the 4 cheese mac and cheese and I ordered that. That particular year, people were crazy about macarons. So we ordered that too. We didnt like it lol.

So from that night on, we became good friends in trying out various restaurants and watched movies together. So we went out many times afterwards. But over a while, I still didnt have any confidence in going further with her. I keep holding back and feel nervous talking to her, even though we went out multiple times. Honestly, I feel that I am not good enough for her, I really didnt want to disappoint her.

At the end of the particular year, I ended up in a relationship with someone else. Lets cut the relationship with someone else short, she married someone else by now lol.

So after I broke up with the someone else. I thought, I should try going out with her again. So I did. We went out, going here and there. However, she was shy of having a photo with me. She said, it would make people think that she's not single. ( I swear I wanted to let her know what my heart felt inside, but still did not had the courage to do so.) There was one occasion where she posted a picture of  her and me on instagram, but many moments later, she deleted the photo...

I graduated and moved back to my hometown, so we didnt see each other for quite a long while. During my graduation, she told me she wanted to come, but cancelled last minute because she thought it would be awkward for her to come alone. But later that night, she asked me out for dinner. and so I went. I still didnt had the courage to let my heart out. So it was just a friendly dinner. Though, she declared me friendzone. Uncertain whether she meant it or not lol.

 A few months later. I got my first job. So we still occasionally texted and hangout. There was one time she asked me out to take her to her friend's brother's wedding. (gosh, thats long to type haha lol). As we arrived at the table, her friend was like sayin', awww sweet couple (I hope so lol). 

After I got my 2nd job, we still hung out and watched movies together. But i stopped hanging out with her when my job involved me working outstation. I still remember the last time we went out for a movie. I remember that I treated her for some gourmet waffles for her pre-birthday (it was almost her birthday). We watched a movie and I sent her back to her hostel. At the hostel, as i dropped her, she waited for me until my car was away. As I almost got away, I lowered the windows and asked her, what are you waiting for? She told me she was waiting for me. I was like, oh. Then I drove away. As I drove back home, I just kept wondering, she never waited for me to drive away. Not even once. And that was the last time I went out with her to our favourite hangout. Why did she waited for me? did she wanted me to stop the car, get out, get on my knees and let my heart out? it just remains as an unanswered question.....

It was quite a long while till I got to see her again. She then graduated and had a graduation ceremony. I really wanted to impress her mother with a large bunch if flowers (the really effing expensive type with teddies and other stuffs lol). But, I couldnt. Not because I dont want to, it was because.... I was outstation, in the middle of the sea..... Yes, i missed the big moment to impress her and most importantly, her parents (lol semangat).

I did got to see her again at the end of the year. She was around, we hangout with a bunch of friends, but I was still in that awkward position.

From the first time up until today, it just feels awkward texting her , I just couldnt be myself. I think I know why or so I think. There's always a reminder in my head that keeps saying, your not good enough for her. And there's also my overthinking habit....

I only saw her twice last year. Both occurrences were with our mutual friends. There never was just me and her moments....

and i still feel awkward....

I guess that is all.....

Gosh, it has been a long time I wrote straight to the point expressive blog post lol

feels good. To clear things up, if u r confused reading this, I never had a gf-bf relationship with her.

we are still friends but I am still that awkward man in an awkward position...

Cheers!