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I really to get myself a personal workstation. A place where I could plan out ideas, a place where I can store my important documents, a place where I could study and gain the knowledge of the Universe! lol

I guess I left the previous blog post in a bit of a hangover, I looked at my stats just now, I only had ten views, 2 of them probably myself proofreading my post and making sure the layout looks nice lol. Besides that, a few years ago, the reading list was like a twitter feed, endless rolls of new blogposts from aspiring writers. I've checked the reading list, there's literally like only two people writing blogs whoa. One is a avid writer who shares all kinds of wonderful stuff about travelling, inspirational activities and interesting english lessons. The other, was a blog of an ex-classmate which I have no idea of where the person is or what the person is doing with its life, but its a blog of expressive words song lyrics or poem like. Oh well.

I think I have grown older or sort of hit some level of maturity, I'm enjoying reading/watching/listening to news such as Al-Jazeera, BBC World & BFM. I have no idea why. I love BFM the most. Even save interesting podcasts from BFM on my phone with the BFM phone app.

The past week, there was a big issue that affected the world's political turmoil. It was regarding a data firm (sort of), Cambridge Analytica. What was claimed was, 50 Million facebook user's data was retrieved and being manipulated of changing what was coming in your news feed and change of you perceive things, which include political votes. (GOSH SOMETHING RANG A BELL WHILE WRITING THIS, THERE WAS A FACEBOOK INFO THINGY ON POLITICAL VIEWS! LOL). Anyway, the 50 million facebook users data however was sort of a key or a path to friends of the users (i'm not sure whether it was 50 million that came from 6 million maybe or whatever number.) But 50 million! wow! all the likes, all the comments all the bawang posts like wow! just imagine if you have all of that! wow! okay, too much wow! lol.

Anyway, with all the facebook data leaked and stuff, I, myself, havent been very active on facebook. The only reason I use facebook for the time being, is to check notifications on wedding invitations, interesting activities and newsfeed from pages that I like (IGN, NAS DAILY, GAMESPOT and etc.).

Most recent news is that, ELON MUSK himself, deleted his facebook pages! like, WOW!

All these facebook turmoil stuff got me thinking, how was life before the facebook age?! like seriously, how was it?! I'm having trouble of focusing my imaginations, but let me try to write it down here, maybe that would help.

Technically, I've been on facebook back in early 2008. I have no idea why I had an account in the first place, might be probably because my elder sister had one and she's the sort of hipster of trends and stuff, I might have accidentally followed suit lol. But I wasnt very active. I only got addicted when I was in my foundation years, back in 2009. Facebook was the in thing. Fast forward a few years later, I got myself a blackberry and I guess that is the prequel of how I got hooked on facebook lol.

So how was life pre-facebook days. Was it good? was it bad? Before Facebook, I was an active user of myspace and friendster. Though myspace and friendster well.... there was a lot less views and dicussions a lot less bullshit maybe. But most importantly, I didnt cared about other people's lives and how the way they think. There was no sort of like , oi, look at what i think oi, look at my baby, oi, look at how awesome my life is. There was non of that.

One thing that I realized after addiction towards social media of any form, I just forgot how to really focus anymore. How I found how this occurred, when I watched a movie on tv, i just seem to be focused on my phone for some intervals. It happens like subconsciously, like almost anywhere and for any activity. If you dont believe me, go out with some friends and do activities like going to the gym and stuff, and just observe how the phone pops up and they become zombies. 

"Be yourself", such a subjective term, yet we hear people say it all the time to people who lack confidence in whatever hassles they faced in their daily lives.

"Be yourself", kinda gets annoying hearing it a few times. What does it mean by "being yourself"? So how do you be yourself?

Lets put this into a much different context, lets view this in a different way. I'm sure many of us yuppies who are aged 25 years old and above have watched "The Truman Show" or even played "The Sims" before. But in this case, lets put ourselves in "The Truman Show". You are the director and you are watching your life. Lets view ourselves in a third person view, but instead of dictating what you should do like in the sims, just put it on auto-play and see where it goes.

So now, you are on a giant TV screen and you can see whatever you are doing, but you have no control over yourself. You are the audience of your own life. So what is the name of your own show about your life? lets call it "Being yourself"

Lets just imagine you have went through many seasons of your life and you have the blu-ray disc set which you wonder when you will ever rewatch (I would definitely watch RICK & MORTY AGAIN! LOL). So lets assume, you remembered all the seasons of your life, by heart, like every single episode, every single action, every philosophy and etc (I hope you understand what I'm trying to get here).

So, you watched everything and congratulations, you discovered how you are "being yourself!" (congratulations, worked so hard forgot to As a number 1 fan of your own show, you are required to give an IMDB review of it. Furthermore, you have to be super honest about your own show.

Like many things on IMDB, there are the reviews by "professional" critics and reviews by honest fans. Okay, forget about IMDB, you need to write a review on rotten tomatoes instead since you are going to be super honest about it.

For example, Star Wars The Last Jedi is the stupidest star wars movie ever made! (Thats an honest review by me lol)

Now lets get to the review writing part. Before you start writing the super honest review of your own show, you think back of all the seasons you watched and understood by heart, your self-awareness skyrocketed and you realized, you suck at being yourself, you hate being yourself.

"Being yourself" could be a man who lives in fear, have bad habits, had every chance of improving your life but not taken a chance and etc.

I guess "being yourself" is not the best option at all. So how do we go on from here? What if the first 10 seasons sucked and for the 11th season, you are not on autopilot anymore, you are the director, the mouse clicking every actions behind a sims game.

I am not here to say my life sucked too bad or anything, I am grateful for whatever positive things that happened which are beyond my control or... in other words, good or bad, you'd never know....

So how about things that we can control? Think about it.

Roughly half a year ago. I decided to change how I make my decisions. I started to step outside and took the leap of faith. The leap of faith of not to worry of the implications of my actions.I stood by, as long as I don't break any laws and treat others with respect, I'm sure it wont go too bad if things go wrongly lol.

Among the biggest change of my life that I made, (i think i mentioned this before on one of my previous blog post) I stopped instagram, like literally. My last ig post was on the 1st of August 2017.  I stopped looking at other people's lives and subconsciously compare it to myself and end up being miserable, loss of sense gratification towards life itself (okay, that may be a bit too far haha). Surprisingly, other forms of social media actually followed.

I was starting to live. I stopped thinking of trying to get the best shot for my instagram posts and at the same time subconsciously (or consciously lol) trying to show the world how awesome my life is towards other people lol

Over the months that followed, I made decisions towards a new phase of adulthood. It was like a journey of self discovery. I was slowly creeping out the life of fear. I was aware that at some points over the months, there were things I really felt that I wanted to speak out, but I chose to stay patient, though it was not because of fear, it was because I realized the bigger picture ahead.

Besides that, on my self discovery journey, I also discovered that some people, no matter how long you've known them, at one point, you just realized how much of an ass they are throughout your life. You just feel like punching them in the face or speak out your opinions. Though, I chose to just keep the harmony and distance myself. It may be an easier path to stay patient, whether the outcome over time would be good or bad, I cant really say to be honest.

On a positive note, over the past few months, I discovered really awesome people as well and also very specific positive notes (persistence and perseverance pays I guess haha)

Right now I am trying to find how do I conclude this blog post hmmmmm haha

What I am trying to say is, what if "being yourself" just doesnt cut it. What if, you could lay out a plan of positive actions that you can control, you give yourself a trial on the plan you laid out and if it doesnt work out, pick yourself up, adjust the plan and adapt, maybe?

how do I conclude this? hmmm maybe for another blog post.... maybe.....
I am indeed sleepy af. Though I am uncertain why my creative vibes keeps giving me ideas at the wee hours of the night. I guess it must be the weather and the calmness of the night. Oh yeah, its a public holiday for a few days up until monday, such a rare occurrence.

I was offered a deal I couldnt resist. Though I require large form of start-up investment in order to gain from the deal. I was naive in my calculations before, now I have to recalculate and it seems a bit hard in the beginning but would eventually help out in the long run.

Asked a friend who faced similar challenges, she says its normal to have that feeling and its always worth investing as it is an asset not a liability which degrades over time.

I've been going through a few websites on guides and stuff, even drafted my own spreadsheet. Now I am even more confused than ever. I felt the light, but then the dark side took over due to confusion.

The true meaning of love is to let go. Is it worth letting go all the blood sweat and tears? Maybe.. just maybe....

I would lose the fund to build a future for a partner though I gained very wised words of wisdom from a friend. "The investment is of course going to cost you, though getting married technically not, it is just a handshake".

*Mind blown*

Will be going through a lot over the next few weeks. Once I start to understand, I shall post a financial guide for dummies.
What are we afraid of?

Gosh, I cant believe I still have readers here. Recently I had a request to share my meal prep spaghetti recipe which I normally do during my broke days (LOL). I shall do that soon............ uncertain how soon haha

So how's life been for the past hmmm year i guess? I was literally gone for half of the year this year due to adulthood. It wasnt easy, but it was definitely rewarding. A kind of a journey of a new sense of purpose of life.

As for later days ahead, the future that is, i am thoroughly planning for the next steps of adulthood. It has been quite a while since my last post, it might have been quite an emotional post for a 26 year old man like me, but oh well, it could either be a mistake to write it or it could either inspire, only god knows, what do we have to be afraid of right?

Life has been good so far, I've managed to read quite a significant number of books and slowly overcoming my phone addiction. Most recently I deleted the instagram and facebook app from my phone. I didnt delete my account, I still open my facebook account once a while, but that is just to follow up whether I have any interesting invites (weddings, open houses & etc.)  I still actively tweet, though I am not as addicted to it compared to fb and ig.

So far I am surprised how much hours of my life I have underutilized due to mindless soulless waste of unproductive scrolling on fb & ig. My weeknights ended before 10pm surprisingly. I was shocked that I was done with my daily necessities and house chores (and they were actually done lol). I was ready for bed before 10pm, *mindblown* *lol*

Besides that, I gained hours in the morning too, my previous routine was, as i woke up, i do meaningless scrolls which caused me to lose minutes of my life. and fortunately, I was up and ready to work and I literally had 30 minutes before the actual time I leave for work. So I manage to clean up or sweep the house a bit, then I leave for work. Somehow, I woke up much more fresher. I guess the screen detox is working out.

As for life skills, I learned to cook my own pizza and pretzels hooray lol and oh, I successfully cooked lasagna without causing anyone to get sick lol (HOMEMADE PASTA SHEETS!).

back to the topic, what are we afraid of?

After many depressing failures and going to hell and coming back alive, I've come to realize that, if something wasnt meant for, its just not meant for you. But there's no harm of asking the higher power and working hard for it, but if it is not meant for you, then its good to move on. There's no harm to grieve either, just grieve to let your mind clear and think of the greater rewards ahead. If there is loss, have faith that there is something better for you and you shall work hard for it. This paragraph is basically a collective of a summary of all the learning the hard ways in life so far that taught me.

Recently, I was contacted by a person that I highly respected, asking for a favor. However, the favor that was asked was utterly disappointing and heartbreaking. It is more heartbreaking not because of the favor, it was because of the favor that was asked from a highly respected person. I was asked to reduce interaction in order to avoid the person's significant other from having the wrong perception. Or in a much more understandable terms, to avoid the significant other from being jealous.

As a mature and understanding person would do, I agreed to the terms in order to maintain peace and harmony, to retain balance of the force lol. Honestly, I am surprised a person is intimidated by me. I have been single and not in a serious relationship for almost 4 whole years. I am not even among the most handsome of men. Not the alpha male sort.

As I said before, I agreed to the terms, though today, there was an unexpected twist, I discovered that, the respected person removed me entirely from the platform of communication. I was devastated and  heartbroken. How could a person like me would disrupt a relationship? Honestly, I just dont know how the world works or thinks around me anymore. So I took a few moments of grief and decided to act on a way that would benefit both sides (and still maintain harmony lol).

So back to the question, what are we afraid of? or what am i afraid of the implications of my actions? What I did, wouldnt be a problem more than ten years ago. So I took a leap of faith and let the owner of the universe decide my path with the "respected person". If we were to communicate again on good terms, that is because god is willing. As of now, I shall respect your terms and future proof it for your own good sake.

And to whoever I meet or networked with along my path throughout my life in the near and distant future, that is because god is willing for our paths to cross. May we use the network to benefit us in our favor and all humankind.

I do not have much to say to that respected person, but I highly hope you reconsider your perception on the people around you. Dont be afraid, put on some faith in people.If it meant to be, then it is meant to be....

Good luck in life everyone, may the odds be in your favor.

I'm feeling a bit restless tonight. At the same time, I feel like I should take a year hiatus and wander out seeking what the world has to offer out of my comfort zone.

Towards the end 2015, Justin Bieber released a new album. Besides the hit song "Love yourself" there were many other really good songs in the album. I listened to all of them, though one song I liked most among all, "The Feeling"

The verse that got me related the most was, " Am I in love with you or am I in love with the feeling"

It makes wonder of what love truly meant. I still couldn't define it in my own terms and kept on wondering what the verse really meant. Is it the emotion? Is it the connection? Is it the presence? Is it the security? Maybe its just one of those songs that keeps you in paradox and would never come to a sole understanding. The sort of song which has a unique meaning to the listener. Or I should ask justin bieber himself of what the song really meant. I'm sure if i google it i would find the answer, but I'll rather not to and let the feeling of curiosity wonder in my mind each time i listen to it.

Curiosity is contagious.

What a weekend it has been. I manage to achieve a goal in my short quarterlife crisis bucket list. Quarter life crisis bucket list, lol. Nowadays, it seems people tend to be less and less creative in their choices of choosing what they enjoy. Millennials like me are brainwashed with television of what feels good, what is bad, what is good to do, how to enjoy life and so on. It seems that everyone is pretty much doing the same thing to cross things in their bucket list. I'm sure that if you have a long bucket list or so, a typical person would have at least half of the items the same as everyone else. I do not wish to elaborate further. I'm pretty sure you would have encountered information like this before.

Starting tomorrow, my soul is pretty much attached to my career for a short while. I am feeling a bit restless tonight, though surprisingly, it is not career is what i am thinking about. It is what I have encountered over the past 24 hours.

I would describe myself a talkative outgoing person. During one meeting, my boss asked everyone, so who is going to entertain the client? and fingers were point at me. Though inside, I am quite of an introvert. I really cherish going out alone or in very small numbers, even though one might think I might be a loser loner. Some say being alone is a sign of strength. But I say I like staying away and avoid other people's bullshit. Though to those that I care, I really, really do care. The way I show that i care its either obvious, mostly unknown or out of the blue surprises. Though this is also not what I am restless about. It was about what I encountered, the story i wrote in my head as the way i experienced it.

How about I explain this in a poetry or artsy fartsy kind of way? lets try.....

Hello there again
I saw you
I'm sure you saw me too
You were looking as beautiful as I last saw you
You were in blue, I was too
You were sitting by your friend who was anxious for the rest of her life
I dont know whether you were too occupied or too busy
or maybe you were thinking your next phase in life
or the wrong image of me have been implied in your head
I'm not sure whether it was me or I really felt that sense of negativity
I waited outside by the table, having dinner with the people I came with
I'm not sure maybe you were shy to join us or still preoccupied with whatever was going on inside
The gig was up, you were still there
We never said hi, we never had eye contact
I was 75% sure my gut was right from the beginning
I just felt awkward being there with your presence
I really do feel, you would enjoy more if i avoided you
It was getting late at night,
still no hello, no conversation of hows life and whats going on,
Was it the image set in your mind or was it all my imagination
The next day I came,
You were still there,
Still no hello, no conversation,
I implanted an image, for you to be happy, I shall stay away..
An so I did.
Though when we were crazy for the camera, you wanted to join too
I shall be positive and I shall stay away.
I'm not in love with you
But I'm still human too
Good bye, so long and thanks for the fish.
When the air is clear, I hope I was the fool
And not you..

And then there was the other you
the busy one
I bumped into something interesting
I'm sure your close relative would like
You did not respond to it
You asked me how I was
I avoided responding
I had a test that day
I needed a clear mind
but thats all bullshit
I really meant not responding
coz i know i'll be left hanging
Like how i was before...


Yes, I know you all are wondering what the hell are all these lines about, lets just keep it a mystery like Justin Bieber's song written earlier....