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Relationships, past, present and beyond

By  Dominic Blaaque     01.22     
Interesting discussion in a whatsapp group today. Someone got engaged and a friend asked, she got engaged, when are you?

I answered, well, I tried and I failed.

So the question is now, "tried"?

Yes, effin tried.

I am a bit of an overthinking person, I can think of the finest details before acting or doing anything. Up to every single damn thing. Even trying to write a damn post takes many reviews before I post it. I miss myself where I just write or do whatever the heart desires. I guess whenever I think or act things base on my heart, it ended in negativity. Oh well, I'm almost 26 now. Just imagine all the negativity that occurred. It piles up and becomes quite a traumatic experience. 

Though, tonight, I just finished watching the movie "Me, before you". So I'm feeling a bit expressive. Gosh, I just hope it doesnt get awkward after writing this haha! 

As of today, I am single. Havent had a GF for almost 4 years! (FOUR F**KING YEARS!) lol.  But as I said before, I tried and I failed. Many many many times. My heart has many stories to tell, screaming to let it all out. Lets just write one at a time (or a very long time).

Once upon of time, I was a student. I have huge crushes on smart women. Yes, I like smart women alot. There was one girl in particular, who studies down the highway from my university. I really like the way she represent herself. She's a very charming character. One day, I decided to ask her out.

So I picked her up at her university and we went dinner at a nearby shopping mall. I've been to the restaurant before and my favourite meal was the 4 cheese mac and cheese and I ordered that. That particular year, people were crazy about macarons. So we ordered that too. We didnt like it lol.

So from that night on, we became good friends in trying out various restaurants and watched movies together. So we went out many times afterwards. But over a while, I still didnt have any confidence in going further with her. I keep holding back and feel nervous talking to her, even though we went out multiple times. Honestly, I feel that I am not good enough for her, I really didnt want to disappoint her.

At the end of the particular year, I ended up in a relationship with someone else. Lets cut the relationship with someone else short, she married someone else by now lol.

So after I broke up with the someone else. I thought, I should try going out with her again. So I did. We went out, going here and there. However, she was shy of having a photo with me. She said, it would make people think that she's not single. ( I swear I wanted to let her know what my heart felt inside, but still did not had the courage to do so.) There was one occasion where she posted a picture of  her and me on instagram, but many moments later, she deleted the photo...

I graduated and moved back to my hometown, so we didnt see each other for quite a long while. During my graduation, she told me she wanted to come, but cancelled last minute because she thought it would be awkward for her to come alone. But later that night, she asked me out for dinner. and so I went. I still didnt had the courage to let my heart out. So it was just a friendly dinner. Though, she declared me friendzone. Uncertain whether she meant it or not lol.

 A few months later. I got my first job. So we still occasionally texted and hangout. There was one time she asked me out to take her to her friend's brother's wedding. (gosh, thats long to type haha lol). As we arrived at the table, her friend was like sayin', awww sweet couple (I hope so lol). 

After I got my 2nd job, we still hung out and watched movies together. But i stopped hanging out with her when my job involved me working outstation. I still remember the last time we went out for a movie. I remember that I treated her for some gourmet waffles for her pre-birthday (it was almost her birthday). We watched a movie and I sent her back to her hostel. At the hostel, as i dropped her, she waited for me until my car was away. As I almost got away, I lowered the windows and asked her, what are you waiting for? She told me she was waiting for me. I was like, oh. Then I drove away. As I drove back home, I just kept wondering, she never waited for me to drive away. Not even once. And that was the last time I went out with her to our favourite hangout. Why did she waited for me? did she wanted me to stop the car, get out, get on my knees and let my heart out? it just remains as an unanswered question.....

It was quite a long while till I got to see her again. She then graduated and had a graduation ceremony. I really wanted to impress her mother with a large bunch if flowers (the really effing expensive type with teddies and other stuffs lol). But, I couldnt. Not because I dont want to, it was because.... I was outstation, in the middle of the sea..... Yes, i missed the big moment to impress her and most importantly, her parents (lol semangat).

I did got to see her again at the end of the year. She was around, we hangout with a bunch of friends, but I was still in that awkward position.

From the first time up until today, it just feels awkward texting her , I just couldnt be myself. I think I know why or so I think. There's always a reminder in my head that keeps saying, your not good enough for her. And there's also my overthinking habit....

I only saw her twice last year. Both occurrences were with our mutual friends. There never was just me and her moments....

and i still feel awkward....

I guess that is all.....

Gosh, it has been a long time I wrote straight to the point expressive blog post lol

feels good. To clear things up, if u r confused reading this, I never had a gf-bf relationship with her.

we are still friends but I am still that awkward man in an awkward position...


About Dominic Blaaque

Idzham Ibrahim, your friendly neighbourhood unemployed mech eng graduate

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